Whether we love ‘em or loathe ‘em, there’s no question that the holiday get-togethers bring with a particular kind of pressure. Between workplace parties, family dinners, friend gatherings, and year-end celebrations, the invitations can stack up and suddenly the calendar is running us more ragged than usual, even if we truly want to participate in everything. 

Add in the extra layer of navigating chronic pain, fatigue, stress, or burnout, and this seasonal sprint is no longer just busy, but rather an ongoing calculation of what our physical, mental, emotional, and nervous systems can realistically take on. 

There can be a specific grief that arrives in this season, too. If we want to see family and friends, and if we want to participate in traditions that matter, feeling up against limited energy, unpredictable symptoms, and a body that needs more rest and recovery time creates inner friction that can cloud the joy. 

Some people talk about JOMO (the joy of missing out) or ROMO (the relief of missing out) and, yes, sometimes staying home in comfy clothes with no demands feels like an immeasurable gift. Just as often, however, missing out can feel like FOMO (fear of missing out) or what might be more accurate in this scenario: frustration at missing out. 

The anger and sadness of feeling sidelined by limitations… 

The exhaustion of constantly choosing between what’s wanted and what’s sustainable… 

The hurt and isolation that can come with symptoms aren’t validated, empathized with, accommodated, or understood… 

These can all spur on feelings of grief. And it can be tough. 

Pacing What You Say Yes To 

Pacing parameters aren’t just about what’s declined, they’re also about what’s chosen to attend. 

Proactive strategies that create a buffer between high-demand events, building in recovery time, and planning weeks with realistic energy allocation can go a long (long) way to making it through the busiest social season of the year. 

Think in terms of energy budgets, not just time; build in adequate recovery time for each event. 

// Before the Event 

Look at the calendar for the whole month. Only you’ll know your limit, and it will probably even fluctuate, but start to see if there is too much happening in one week, and if anything can be moved or removed. Another option? See if you can join online from the comfort of your couch, even just to say hi to everyone, thanks to FaceTime or Zoom. If not, look to see if you can reduce other demands that week, such as saying no to additional commitments, or leaning on external supports like house cleaning and laundry services, grocery delivery, or shopping with click-and-collect to help ease some of the load. 

// During the Event 

Consider how to accommodate yourself by bringing any comfort aids that may help, stepping out of the room for some breathwork or a nervous system reset, bringing your own food if that’s integral to your well-being at the moment, seeing if arriving late or leaving early might help, and so forth. You don’t need to perform “fine” for the entire duration. 

Further, if it’s a potluck or you’re hosting, outsource where possible. For example, booking a home cleaning for before or after the event at your home, or purchasing ready-to-go doughs to use for a cookie swap at a friend’s are two examples to help ease the physical and mental load on both sides of the event.

// After the Event

We’re a broken record on this by now, but it’s just so important… 

Build. Recovery. Time. Into. Your. Calendar. 

If Friday night is a gathering, try and protect Saturday morning for rest or gentle movement. Where possible, avoid scheduling back-to-back high-demand days. If you push through one event, acknowledge you may need space afterward. 

Consider some self-care beyond rest at home, as well; finding support in a restorative float therapy session, craniosacral massage, or sound acupressure session mid-season, for example, can help leaps and bounds in resetting your nervous system to carry onward feeling well. 

When Values and Reality Collide 

Here’s one of the hardest parts: sometimes we have to miss things that matter… 

We need to skip the friend gathering we wanted to attend. We have to decline the family tradition we look forward to each year. We end up watching other people live the December we wished we could have. 

This is where grief around a loss of feeling up for it, a frustration of a situation feeling out of our control, an anger at our bodies for seemingly “not cooperating” can bubble up into a different kind of burnout — the type that comes from navigating and managing a series of physical, mental, or emotional symptoms that challenge us from living the life we yearn for, or remember. For many of us, chronic illness creates real loss and pretending otherwise doesn’t make it easier. 

Here’s where considering the bigger picture can help: the goal isn’t to have a “perfect” December, it’s to get through the season in a way that supports all of your needs, whether those are socializing and community, rest and recovery, preventing future burnout, or a combination of the mix.  

Showing up where we can, resting when we need to, and giving ourselves permission to make choices that consider each of our realities does not mean failure! Managing chronic health hurdles is a difficult and often delicate situation that requires more skill, strength, and self-awareness than many will ever realize. 

The truth is that people who care about you want you to be well more than they want you at their party!

The Language of the Graceful No 

Saying no when you’re managing chronic symptoms isn’t just about protecting your energy, it’s also about navigating the fact that other people don’t always understand what you’re up against. 

That being said, oftentimes it can feel like the hardest thing to do. 

If you’re stuck, here are some ways to decline, depending on what feels right for the situation: 

// Declining Entirely

“I appreciate the invitation, but I won’t be able to make it this year. I hope you have a wonderful time and I’ll be there in spirit!” 

“Thank you for thinking of me! Unfortunately, December is a tough month on my end and I need to miss this one. Let’s try and plan something for January when things settle?” 

// Modifying Participation 

“I’d love to come for dinner, but wanted to let you know I’ll need to head out before it gets too late!” 

“Can I join for the first hour? I won’t be able to stay for the whole event, but I’d like to see everyone!” 

// Tentative Responses 

“Do you mind me asking how far in advance you need to know? I’d love to come if I’m able, so can I see how I’m feeling that week and get back to you closer to the date?” 

“I’m hoping to make it, but I need to keep it tentative… My symptoms have been so unpredictable lately!”

// Yes, and…

“I’d love to come, thank you! Just a heads up, I’m dealing with some lower energy lately so I might not seem like my usual self, but I’m still really looking forward to joining!”

“Count me in! My pace is looking a little slower this year, however, so I may need to take a few breaks throughout the day, but I’m really glad to be included!”

// And yes, but you’re hosting… 

“I’d love to have you over for (your event)! We’re going potluck style this year, so can you bring (an appetizer or a side)?” 

“I really want to keep our tradition going, but I need to pace myself a bit differently this year. It’s going to be low-key, very casual, but I’m still excited to see everyone!” 

“I’m excited to host again, but my energy isn’t what it used to be. Let’s do a simplified version this year, either potluck or we pitch in and order catering?” 

When You Need to Back Out After Saying Yes 

Sometimes we commit with the best intentions, and then our bodies have other plans. A symptom flare, an unexpected energy crash, or simply underestimating how much we have on our plate can mean needing to cancel something we already said yes to. 

This can bring up feelings of guilt, worry about letting people down, or a sense of shame around not being able to “handle it.” But here’s the truth: health can be as unpredictable as the weather (just ask anyone who planned an outdoor wedding months in advance, only to walk down the aisle in the rain!) 

What remains constant, however, is that your health needs come first. 

So! If you need to back out, but aren’t sure what to say: 

“I’m so sorry, but I need to cancel for (the event). I’m not feeling well enough to attend, and need to rest. I hope you understand!” 

“Unfortunately, I need to back out of (the event). My symptoms have flared up and I need to get back on track. I’m really sorry, and I’m disappointed to miss it!” 

“I need to miss (the event) after all… I’m managing some health stuff and it makes it hard to predict how I’ll feel day-to-day. The me that RSVP’d yes was so hopeful I’d be able to attend, and I’m sorry to miss it! I’d love to catch up one-on-one when I’m feeling better?” 

All This to Say…

Managing chronic symptoms during the busiest social season of the year requires more than just showing up… It needs strategy, boundaries, and some difficult choices sometimes.

But the holiday season doesn’t have to be all or nothing. It’s okay to show up differently this year, whether that’s attending some events and skipping others, or only staying for an hour instead of the whole evening, to host in a way that works for your energy levels, or to bow out when your body asks you to. Accommodating your capacity isn’t selfish, it’s investing in yourself so you can continue to show up when possible both now, and in the months ahead.